When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
