So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They took my balls.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize