dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize