im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
