Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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