the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
