So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
thus making me awesome and them whores
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
