tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Randomize
