sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
