You made me cry and you don't even care
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
