Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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