If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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