Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
