I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
