I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
