I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
