Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize