i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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