I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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