I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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