Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
