im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
