you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
