I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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