Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Screwed.edu
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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