mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Randomize
