Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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