Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
