I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize