According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
