I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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