You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
