I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
