I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
