Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize