tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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