I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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