oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
