I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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