So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
