I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
