16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize