my phone needs a breathalizer
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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