I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
As shirtless as possible
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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