did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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