youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
