You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
