My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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