I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
