she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize