You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
