i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
