Soap is not a condiment
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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