I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
