oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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