Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
