I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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