I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
