The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
